I am Angry at God

I recently had a meeting with my spiritual advisor to talk about how I am doing in general and how I am doing in my relationship with God. I was quite frank with her and responded “to be honest, I am angry at God”. As I am writing this I am a bit ashamed of myself for saying this. It seems brash, selfish and self-centered. But it’s how I have been feeling for the last few months, so I might as well fess up.

Why I am I angry at God? I don’t have a right to be angry at God, I know that. I have a great life and so many things to be grateful for. I wake up everyday grateful beyond measure for what I have. So why am I angry? I am not sure I am angry or am I just incredibly frustrated. Like all of you, I had many plans for my life in 2020 and was trying to work my way through my bucket list. Having Early Onset Alzheimers, I feel like I am in a race to get in as many memorable activities I can in the short time I have left. Up until 2020, I was living like I was dying.

Fortunately, I was able to go on a trip of a lifetime to Australia, New Zealand, and Bora Bora in early 2020 before COVID reared its ugly head. Then my life, and everyone else’s came to a halt. Everyone’s plans and dreams were put on hold. I know I am far luckier than many people. I am retired, am financially secure, have a roof over my head, food on the table, and loving family and friends and live in a warm climate where I can get outside and exercise. I am truly blessed. But I also feel like with my Alzheimer’s diagnosis, I am on borrowed time. I may only have 3-5 years of good cognitive health yet, and I was hoping and praying I could spend it traveling, visiting loved ones and enjoying life. I have not seen my children or extended family members and most friends for over 18 months now. How much longer will this COVID go on? Will I even know them when I can see them? Now like everyone else, my life is on hold, and I am spending most of my time social distancing and in quarantine and feel like I have lost a year of precious time. I know my problems aren’t anywhere as significant as some people right now who are unemployed and don’t know where their next meal or paycheck is coming from.

I was discussing my frustrations with my spiritual advisor, and she said “You know Kelly, its ok to be angry at God. God will understand and never be angry at you”. She suggested I go have a good cry and even maybe scream at God. Let my frustrations out (I have yet to do that yet….quite frankly I am hanging on by a thread, but I need to do this). She also said “have you ever thought that maybe God has brought COVID into our lives to kind of reset the Earth and give us warning that the Earth and all of us need to reset, to slow down, etc”? Wow, is she wise. That was so profound to me. So I thought I would share with you how I am feeling, and my frustrations. I know many of you are feeling the same way. Depressed, hopeless, restless, and anxious. Those are completely normal feelings in tumultuous times. Lord knows 2020 has been very tumultuous with COVID and the political unrest in the United States.

It is just a few days before Christmas, the Day Jesus was born. It is a day to rejoice. It is time for me to get my head back in the game, and pull myself out of my slump. Holidays are always difficult for me since I lost my Mom to Alzheimer’s. I grin and bear it and can’t wait for the holidays to be over. This year will be no exception. But I also realize I can’t fight this disease if I allow depression to take hold, and don’t stay active and engaged. I need to go have that good cry, and get this out of my system. I’ll do that right after Christmas.

Not Today, Alzheimer’s not today. You’ve got me down, but I have a plan to get back up!

18 thoughts on “I am Angry at God

  1. Kelly,
    I continue to pray for you daily. I don’t agree with your therapist. I believe God allows us to feel the consequences of our decisions. That’s our individual, as well as collective decisions, which is often referred to as free will. I think COVID and many other terrible things that are going on in the world right now are the result of our collective decisions. However, I believe he’s got my back and yours too. When I am feeling frustrated because I can’t make sense of the world around me, I remind myself of his own words found in Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed; I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with my right hand of justice”. Peace to you and your family during the blessed Christmas season, your fellow EDSer

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  2. Kelly, your blog is so real. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing it. I too have been angry with God. It is part of our grieving process. But we can’t get “stuck” there. My husband is 69 and suffering with dementia as well. We are still able to travel some and get out and hike, which I am so thankful for. This life is a vapor. This earth is not our home. Our life spent with God is for eternity. I want to spend, as you said, every moment I can enjoying this life with my husband.
    You are a beautiful, amazing, brave person. Praying this pandemic IS over soon so you can enjoy your family and all the beautiful moments together. Love to you!

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    1. What a nice note. Thank you. I hope you get to spend many more years of quality time with your husband. I will get through this……we all will (maybe I will have pulled all my hair out, but I’ll still be here)! Have a peaceful and happy holiday and even a better 2021.

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  3. I have a chapter in my book dedicated to the same thing!! Yes, I have dementia and can look at it as a life-shortening curse, or do as YOU are doing and HELP and SUPPORT others facing the diseases associated with cognitive impairment. EXCELLENT Blog Kelly!!!

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  4. Thanks. Jim. I am usually Pam Positive 99% of the time, but this COVID thing is really getting on my last nerve. I thought I would post this to let people know that I am not super human and at times I also get depressed and emotional. But it is not going t control me or ruin my life. Happy Holidays. God bless you. I’m praying for you.

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  5. Kelly these time are so difficult for us all,I can only imagine how you must feel.I agree with your therapist you need to let the anger out.I still think you are one of the strongest people I know.Blessings to you over the holidays and always. Much love…Glenda

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    1. Hi Glenda…..thank you for writing. I am a nice activity planned tomorrow to go look at Christmas lights so I am not going to have that big cry just yet but will soon. You are right, I just need to get it off my chest and hopefully move on. I hope you have a great holiday and that 2021 is a better year for all of us.

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  6. Kelly…thank you so much for sharing this! You opened the door I believe to what I have felt myself and I am sure many more and they may not even understand it is what they are feeling.
    This has helped me much! Thank you again!
    Blessings
    Sherry

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    1. Sherry….thank you for writing. I’m glad I could help. My husband wasn’t sure I should post this because it may be perceived as selfish, but I told him I’m sure many people are feeling the same frustrations and anger that I am. I hope you have a good holiday and are able to realize the blessings you have been given.

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  7. TOTALLY agree with your Spiritual Advisor, (on point A) and venting the anger you have. There’s a lot to be angry about, and your situation is prime example. An underlying point that your advisor may have said too, is that venting your anger keeps you in the relationship. You didn’t stalk away, lock yourself in, but expressed your feelings – with the assumption that there was a God on the other half of the relationship listening… THAT is how relationships stay real. Not by pretending to be someone else, someone not angry at the things you listed… However, I can’t go to the same point B. I can’t accept that this, or any other “bad” thing is put upon us for some reason. It just happened. It’s part of how biology works. I guess one could argue that God created biological systems, and therefore when they do what they do, God ultimately created it, but, that’s a stretch….
    To me, God’s promise isn’t a painless life, but that God is with us no matter what. Pray, Praise, Thank, plead, or yes rail in anger… no matter what, we don’t move god, who patiently sits with us, despite the circumstances. FWIW

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    1. Thanks, Chris for your advice. I am doing the best I can to juggle all my emotions just like everyone is during these tumultuous times. I hope you have a nice holiday and that 2021 brings you abundant blessings.

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  8. Thank you Kelly for sharing. For your strength, your vulnerability, for your absolute inner beauty under unimaginable circumstances. Please let your guard down and let out your anger so you can move past it and embrace your joy in the good times yet to come. You blew me away when we were kids and still continue to amaze…

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    1. Hi Paul. Thank you for reaching out. I am planning on a really good cry and difficult conversation with God right after Christmas. I just wanted to get through the holidays! I know there are many good times ahead, but this COVID thing has gotten everyone down, and my cognition is being challenged when I am sedentary. I hope you and Dreama are doing well. I sure miss talking to Brenda. Merry Christmas my friend. Love, Kelly

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  9. Kelly,
    You are the strongest woman I know being able to deal with this disease. We continue to pray to God that he takes you in his hands to provide a cure while you have rsised awareness to many that had never dealt with Alzheimers. Keep up your blogs sharing your experiences so others learn and will help fund raise for a cure.

    Hugs to you
    Pam

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    1. Thanks, Pam.Sometimes I find the blog is a bit daunting to do, and looks like I am seeking attention. I am doing it to help others because I facilitate two Alzheimer’s support group meetings and the people who attend are usually deep in depression, struggling to enjoy the life they do have left, etc. I appreciate your kind words and support.

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  10. Thanks for continuing to share. God has a plan. Maybe God wants us to slow down and appreciate what we have. God probably thinks we are impatient and always looking for immediate gratification. Have a blessed 2021.

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