Over the last 20 years I have lost my faith in God and have felt abandoned by him. It has been difficult for me to believe there is a God when I see so many bad things happening in this world and to me personally. I was a victim of child abuse, developed a serious heart problem at a young age, suffered through a terrible marriage, and found out in the last two years that I had uterine cancer and Early Onset Alzheimers, and lost almost all my close family members during this timeframe. That seems like an awful lot for one person to bear and I often did not feel God’s presence to guide me and reassure me. I continued to pray during this timeframe hoping to connect to him.
Additionally, I find it difficult to go to church because I know so many people who do are quite frankly horrible people or I guess one would say sinners. I know some who carry their bible around with them and hide behind it as if it will protect them from who they really are. Also, how does an all loving God allow terrible things to happen like 9-11 in NYC, murders of innocent children, or this Coronavirus epidemic, etc?
Having said that, I also realize that I need and want to continue to have faith, because really it’s all I have. I know my life on earth here is short especially with my Alzheimer’s diagnosis, and when I die I want to do so having faith in God. Fortunately for me, I have a dear friend named Prudence, who studied theology, and she has become my religious mentor. We have been talking on the phone regularly about my struggles, and she has offered me some excellent guidance which I have been following and doing daily. I don’t want to die mad and angry at God, I want to die loving him.
I have downloaded the YouVersion of the Bible onto my phone which allows me to read the Bible, document my prayers and take notes. It has been a great way for me to get back into this practice. Also the Pray As You go app is a fantastic app that both my husband and I listen to every morning and it really makes me think, connect with God and also brings me peace. I also enjoy the Jesus Is Calling app.
I realize there is a God because I have too many blessings to count including my children, my wonderful husband, my extended family and terrific friends. I have food on the table and a roof over my head. I had the most wonderful dog, Duncan, in the world. On most days, I am in good enough health that I can exercise and do a lot of fun things like travel internationally. I see the beauty in every day and I am grateful every morning when I wake up.
Not today, Alzheimer’s, not today!