Feeling Melancholy Tonight

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It has been a fun filled awesome week. We spent two days at Disney World with another couple who we adore. I had a lot of fun golfing a few times, went out with friends for dinner and watched an adorable little puppy this week. Yesterday, I spent the afternoon volunteering on the Brain Bus on behalf of the Alzheimer’s Association. It has been a very productive and fulfilling week. Tonight we went to the beach for dinner and watched the sunset over Englewood Beach.

Sunset over Englewood Beach

Disney and the beach are “my happy place”. My husband and I had such a wonderful evening tonight. On the way home in the car, I asked him “What if I don’t remember the beach anymore…..are you going to still take me there?”. He responded “of course honey”. It is times like this that really makes me appreciate the moments that I do have left and to remember to enjoy every last one them.

Tonight I am filled with “what ifs”. What if I don’t get to see my son and daughter have children? What if I become a burden to my husband? What if my friends/family no longer call or come to visit me? What if I no longer can do the things I can enjoy? What if I have to go into a nursing home? What if, what if, what if? Really, the question is not what if, but when.

I am all too familiar with what Alzheimer’s can do to someone you love. I was the caregiver for my Mom who had it and watched her painful decline everyday. She became trapped in her own body, with no memory, no quality of life. I can only hope that because I am doing things very differently than she did (exercise, socializing, eating healthy, etc) that this will buy me some time and slow down the progression of this disease.

Time is precious, and I don’t take it for granted for a minute. I am living every day to the fullest. I rarely allow myself to be melancholy or have a pity party, but tonight, after spending this beautiful evening with the man I love, I realized how sad I will be to not have these moments in the future with him. I know I need to live in the moment, and not worry about things that are out of my control. This is easier said than done.

Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight.

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Author: Kelly

I am a happily married woman, who is retired. I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I was born in 1961.

6 thoughts on “Feeling Melancholy Tonight”

  1. Oh Kelly! You are so brave to share your feelings, including your “what ifs”. I don’t know if you realize that you are educating some of us that have not dealt with Alzheimer’s. I love hearing about your happy adventures, but you made me realize that you make your own happiness and not to waste a single day because “what if” there is no tomorrow or “what if” my life is completely changed tomorrow? Thank you for sharing and praying “what if” Kelly has nothing but happiness everyday the rest of her life! Also praying “what if” they come up with a cure very soon! 🙏❤️

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    1. Carol, I am so glad that we found each other this year. You are so right, what if they do find a cure? What if I am the first Alzheimer’s survivor? What if I am going to rock this Alzheimer’s thing like nobodies business? I have to stay positive like I always do. A little relapse and anxiety is normal, but today I am back to my busy fun loving stuff. Headed to line dancing class as we speak. Hugs, Carol. Thanks again.

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  2. Keep the faith Kelly. My wife was diagnosed with early onset 16 years ago. While she struggles today, she is a real fighter and I love her more every day.
    Your friend, Curt.

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    1. Thank you, Curt for your note. It brought a smile to my face. I hope my husband feels like this in the years to come and doesn’t feel like I am a huge burden. I appreciate you reaching out. It really helped. God Bless.

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  3. You are allowed to have some time to process, you’ve been dealt a tremendous blow and no one could possibly blame you for feeling the way you did last night. Today is a new day and I know you will see that and start fresh with the positive attitude and strength you always share with your friends and family. We love you Kelly.

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    1. Thank you Serena. Kim and I keep talking about how we want to come visit you and Tom. Yes, today I have line dancing class, and then water aerobics. Looking forward to it. I know I shouldn’t worry about tomorrow, I just have such a great life right now, I don’t want to miss a thing! Take care and thanks for your support.

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